Thursday, August 23, 2012

and the healing continues

I think all of the sudden it's hitting me. The joy, the stress, the relief, the pain. It's intense and it's all at once.  I woke up this morning having nightmares of nurses trying to start an iv 40...50...60 times on Tasia.  I startled awake remembering the trauma of all the years past. I was brought back to one of the most traumatic moments after her surgery and panic hit me as the horror of what happened in that radiology room truly hit me.  I cried for what she has gone through and at the same time I cried for what will never be again...

How can I feel such pain and joy all in the same moment and same breath?  I should probably talk to someone about these crazy events in our life to help me emotionally deal with them now that the storm has quit raging and quiet has set in. 

I would do anything to remove the pain that she has suffered.... to erase it from her heart and mind. I know only God can do that though.  I've done my part to remove it from her body and hold her through the journey.  Now I need God to whisper His quiet healing over our hearts.

I randomly grab her and hold her just because I am so amazed by her strength and beautiful soul. I crawl in bed with her just to hold her close to me like we did everyday and night in the hospital recovering.  We are closer than any mother and daughter could possibly be because we have conquered death and life together with God guiding our every step.  I am the luckiest mama to get to be that close to her child but I will tell you we walked through fire to get here.

Today more than anything, I am overwhelmingly thankful to be here watching her go to school without pain and truly loving and enjoying life.  Time is healing our pain and as He healed her body, He will heal our minds and hearts. 

Days after diagnosis of Hereditary Pancreatitis. She had been air lifted to Denver and they were telling me that I couldn't go on the flight in case she might crash. I was of course on that flight. Just try and stop this mama...

Being air lifted last fall again to Denver.

Out of surgery... the first moments of taking her life back.

Smiling through it all.

Days after surgery.

My beautiful girl is now free of this pain and loving life!

Forever best friends