Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Almost there

We are getting closer to BIG M week.  Airlines and hotel booked. Shuttles and rides scheduled. Schedules printed. Next things to do are -  writing out all of our questions (so that we don't forget anything) and packing. I have to say that if we have to take a trip to a University Hospital it would have been nice if it was the University of Hawaii or at least Florida.  Not totally excited to see the great city of Minneapolis but I have a feeling we won't be seeing much of it anyways.  I'm not nervous anymore. I'm excited. This is the trip of answers and determinations for Tasia. The idea of making a plan and having an idea of what needs to be done for her sounds great! We are scheduled 7am-5pm with appointments and tests of all different sorts each day for both. For Isaac, it's just red tape. They've already determined the surgery as necessary so it will be mostly a question and answer time. They will be  running tests one last time before surgery to see the current state of his portal vein and doing other testing as well.  I'm full of hope. I am expecting that we will be filled with answers and knowledge like we have been told by so many.

On the emotional side -

I feel kinda numb. Like maybe this is a dream or nightmare. It can't be a nightmare because there's lots of happy in between. But it most definitely doesn't feel real right now.  Maybe that is all a coping mechanism. Maybe God knows I need a break from worry and stress.  It's easy for someone to tell me not to do all these things but it's a daily decision and sometimes struggle to not do them.  I'm mostly upbeat and full of hope.  Sometimes someone will start asking questions and as I start telling them what's involved in all of this... the words of doubt and fear and shock start pouring our of their mouths.  All I can do is start throwing out my feelings and thoughts of hope and positivity because I CANNOT dwell on the "what ifs" or fear.  Nope, not gonna go there. In fact I'm gonna run in the opposite direction and push that lump in my throat back down until I am the woman of courage again.  I refuse to be in fear. That's all there is to it!